Day Twenty Seven

Shake off this sadness, and recover your spirit;
sluggish you will never see the wheel of fate
that brushes your heel as it turns going by,
the man who wants to live is the man in
whom life is abundant.
- Miguel De Unamuno

Just went to sit in meditation with a reflexive sense of "last time" - until I realized, "well, no, tomorrow is another day, and the one after that...." Relief to know that I don't "have" to stop :)

So what can I say at this milestone? Just a few things - less than I'd hoped for, honestly, yet better in their simplicity and clarity: 1) These chants have a notable effect, seem to be very helpful for cleansing and releasing, and help me settle into meditation; 2) The quality of my experience while sitting for meditation is different from the quality I experience doing asana. It's also different from the "zone" of "working out" (gym, hiking, running...). No hierarchy on this, just different; 3) I've come to enjoy the quiet of "just" sitting. Never thought that could happen.; 4) whether this will persist is unknown, and it's worth continuing to practice- only way to know, really; 5) there is some magic in this practice, subtle and deep.

So there it is. It's been a quiet and surprisingly painful journey. Well worth it, for what's been exposed. Hopefully there's a little more room for what's next.

Gratitude to all my teachers, and the loving support of community.

Day Twenty Six

Sit down and be quiet. You are drunk, and this is the edge of the roof. ~~Rumi


The three day window of sun standing still now. Started in the morning reflecting on the Yule Goat and what it means to be part of the ever dynamic flow of energy of what Is. Still hoping for some kind of revelation.

Zoomed through the day preparing for our Solstice Yule log celebration, which was vibrant and lovely and so full of Life. Did manage to sit for a few minutes in the early evening - grateful to have a bit of a habit about this now, and to sink in quietly and more deeply before the festivities.

After the Yule log had gone in and the guests gone home, I got to spend a lovely time with my kids. It was a rare convergence of all of us - two now adult daughters and teenage son - in one place a one time. We snuggled on the couch enjoying each others company. I went up to bed after midnight, and fell asleep to the sound of my daughters talking into the wee hours. Like music to my heart.

Day Twenty Five

A better day. Errands and just "things" getting ready for Solstice gathering tomorrow night. Went to Safeway. Reading up on Yule goats. Laughed to myself about life as a suburban witch. Remembered to look for the thin sliver of the newly waning moon in the west, just visible over the tanning salon sign as I left the gym. Got to chant and meditate. Yay.

Day Twenty Four

...half of my heart's got a grip on the situation....
~ John Mayer


Fail.

I wonder if the thud is the sound of a sparkle hitting an obstacle.

Day Twenty Three

I want my life to be one of love, not rage Kindness, not contempt Joy, not suffering I want to be alive and present in this moment, not lost in thought and delusion. - Zen poem


There is also a thud in the gut. Old material. Feel it stronger than I'm used to. Not sparkly at all. Chanted and sat in meditation last night - pretty late for me, and after the thud in the gut. Chanting was weak and meditation dull. Still glad I did it. Did my best to throw the thud into the fire.

Dreamed of nighttime missile explosions right outside my door. Could see them through the windows. Nowhere to go. Beautiful. Dangerous. And sparkles everywhere.

Day Twenty Two

I'm in a swirl of creative energy this morning. I feel more settled in to the steady beat of "things to do" and am enjoying the fact that I'm still on my feet.

I'm noticing a perception shift that I think is allowing for more ease. It's two things: 1) tracking "multiple things happening" from a more neutral position - like I'm really present, yet can see from a distance: and 2) (this is the fun one) certain "things" sparkle! Those are the ones to choose, align with, and take forward.

So cool.

Day Twenty One

Very long day - taught six periods at school, plus yoga class in the evening (thanks goodness, because that' s where I had a chance to sit in meditation). The extra two periods at school were subbing for a fellow teacher who was on campus working on another activity (it's quite a beehive at school just before winter break). We got everything done so there was time to do "whatever I wanted" - me twirling my hands, deep in contemplation - oohh fun - what shall we do!?

Desk yoga! Complete with seated savasana! (We had put the desks in a circle with the chairs inside/desktops out...) Then a talking circle. (Sitting on top of the desks to face each other...) First one that has "worked" (simple clear guidelines, everyone taking turns speaking, no fooling around...). We all threw out theme ideas, and the sparkliest one was "my most embarrassing moment." So we did that. By then their regular teacher was back, so she joined us. What a gift to sit in circle together.

Poco a poco....