Day Twenty Seven

Shake off this sadness, and recover your spirit;
sluggish you will never see the wheel of fate
that brushes your heel as it turns going by,
the man who wants to live is the man in
whom life is abundant.
- Miguel De Unamuno

Just went to sit in meditation with a reflexive sense of "last time" - until I realized, "well, no, tomorrow is another day, and the one after that...." Relief to know that I don't "have" to stop :)

So what can I say at this milestone? Just a few things - less than I'd hoped for, honestly, yet better in their simplicity and clarity: 1) These chants have a notable effect, seem to be very helpful for cleansing and releasing, and help me settle into meditation; 2) The quality of my experience while sitting for meditation is different from the quality I experience doing asana. It's also different from the "zone" of "working out" (gym, hiking, running...). No hierarchy on this, just different; 3) I've come to enjoy the quiet of "just" sitting. Never thought that could happen.; 4) whether this will persist is unknown, and it's worth continuing to practice- only way to know, really; 5) there is some magic in this practice, subtle and deep.

So there it is. It's been a quiet and surprisingly painful journey. Well worth it, for what's been exposed. Hopefully there's a little more room for what's next.

Gratitude to all my teachers, and the loving support of community.

Day Twenty Six

Sit down and be quiet. You are drunk, and this is the edge of the roof. ~~Rumi


The three day window of sun standing still now. Started in the morning reflecting on the Yule Goat and what it means to be part of the ever dynamic flow of energy of what Is. Still hoping for some kind of revelation.

Zoomed through the day preparing for our Solstice Yule log celebration, which was vibrant and lovely and so full of Life. Did manage to sit for a few minutes in the early evening - grateful to have a bit of a habit about this now, and to sink in quietly and more deeply before the festivities.

After the Yule log had gone in and the guests gone home, I got to spend a lovely time with my kids. It was a rare convergence of all of us - two now adult daughters and teenage son - in one place a one time. We snuggled on the couch enjoying each others company. I went up to bed after midnight, and fell asleep to the sound of my daughters talking into the wee hours. Like music to my heart.

Day Twenty Five

A better day. Errands and just "things" getting ready for Solstice gathering tomorrow night. Went to Safeway. Reading up on Yule goats. Laughed to myself about life as a suburban witch. Remembered to look for the thin sliver of the newly waning moon in the west, just visible over the tanning salon sign as I left the gym. Got to chant and meditate. Yay.

Day Twenty Four

...half of my heart's got a grip on the situation....
~ John Mayer


Fail.

I wonder if the thud is the sound of a sparkle hitting an obstacle.

Day Twenty Three

I want my life to be one of love, not rage Kindness, not contempt Joy, not suffering I want to be alive and present in this moment, not lost in thought and delusion. - Zen poem


There is also a thud in the gut. Old material. Feel it stronger than I'm used to. Not sparkly at all. Chanted and sat in meditation last night - pretty late for me, and after the thud in the gut. Chanting was weak and meditation dull. Still glad I did it. Did my best to throw the thud into the fire.

Dreamed of nighttime missile explosions right outside my door. Could see them through the windows. Nowhere to go. Beautiful. Dangerous. And sparkles everywhere.

Day Twenty Two

I'm in a swirl of creative energy this morning. I feel more settled in to the steady beat of "things to do" and am enjoying the fact that I'm still on my feet.

I'm noticing a perception shift that I think is allowing for more ease. It's two things: 1) tracking "multiple things happening" from a more neutral position - like I'm really present, yet can see from a distance: and 2) (this is the fun one) certain "things" sparkle! Those are the ones to choose, align with, and take forward.

So cool.

Day Twenty One

Very long day - taught six periods at school, plus yoga class in the evening (thanks goodness, because that' s where I had a chance to sit in meditation). The extra two periods at school were subbing for a fellow teacher who was on campus working on another activity (it's quite a beehive at school just before winter break). We got everything done so there was time to do "whatever I wanted" - me twirling my hands, deep in contemplation - oohh fun - what shall we do!?

Desk yoga! Complete with seated savasana! (We had put the desks in a circle with the chairs inside/desktops out...) Then a talking circle. (Sitting on top of the desks to face each other...) First one that has "worked" (simple clear guidelines, everyone taking turns speaking, no fooling around...). We all threw out theme ideas, and the sparkliest one was "my most embarrassing moment." So we did that. By then their regular teacher was back, so she joined us. What a gift to sit in circle together.

Poco a poco....

Day Twenty

This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple. The Dalai Lama

Sat in meditation on the bathroom floor while running a bath at the end of a long day. The most notable thing was how the sudden stop didn't feel so much like hitting a wall as it did the last time I tried this. It's getting easier to just go there, I suppose and/or maybe my my "regular" energy was more settled, even though I was having a busy day.

Day Nineteen

I awoke today and found the frost perched on the town
It hovered in a frozen sky, then it gobbled summer down
When the sun turns traitor cold
And shivering trees are standing in a naked row
I get the urge for going but I never seem to go

I get the urge for going
When the meadow grass is turning brown
Summertime is falling down and winter is closing in....

~~Joni Mitchell


Last night after writing, I went off, took a lovely bath, and completely forgot my intention to meditate. Went to bed. Slept really well and had helpful dreams.

Wish I got credit for that, or for having a near spiritual experience on the treadmill in the morning, or for simple good intentions.

Day Eighteen, fail.

It's OK.

Got it done today. Yay.

Day Eighteen

Synchronicities are the jokers in nature's pack of cards for they refuse to play by the rules and offer a hint that, in our quest for certainty about the universe, we may have ignored some vital clues. - F. David Peat

A long one. The clouds of physical discomfort parted more than I thought they would today. Remembered how good it feels to run on a treadmill and sweat ti music- and did it! Processing the pissed off grumpies. Needing to just scale it back, relaxing as best I can as a new view promises to come into focus.

Still need to meditate - on my way right now....

Enjoying the jokers. Vital clues. Like dreaming about a"year and a half" and remembering that a year is a cycle, not necessarily of the sun. So, a "life and a half" - for me at 48 years old - would be since I was 32. Or like dreaming about a "year and a half" and thinking that's 1 1/2 - between the ages of 11 and 12. Could be both.

Just so interesting.

Day Seventeen

A tough day. Cleaning out and waking up sometimes means coming face to face with the poison of what used to (seem to) be a remedy.

Still practicing....

Day Sixteen

Be the change you wish to see in the world. --Mahatma Ghandi

Woke up early thinking about "things". Not always a good sign for me. In my practice yesterday, I was so very earnest in offering myself to the Flow of Grace. And today I've tried to stay focused firming the container of what matters (like muscular energy in Anusara yoga).

I gave a talk today about Restorative Practices to our school Site Climate Committee, a mix of adults and young people. PowerPoint with clicker thingus, the whole drill. Was a good opportunity for me to organize my current understanding and clearly express an intention - to share information with "deciders" in our community and to (hopefull) inspire (some of) them to pursue this too. Dressed in orange and green - the colors of my warring ancestors, and went in there to be peace, and to encourage these young people to take up an intention and practice of peace. What a powerful moment this was for me - to meld years of work into a 40 minute interaction. Gratitude to my teachers!

Some things just do take time. And there is power in embodying what we want. To really stay in the process of learning it, dancing with it, Being it however we can. That's why I lean into Grace so hard! What a sparkly gift after the meeting today when one of my students who had attended told me, "oh, yeah when you were talking about it I knew what you meant; it's like what you're doing all the time in class." Wow! That's all a person could ask for.

Reminds me of last night when my yoga resistant son, Mat (who I do not push yoga on at all, but who used to come and rest/nap while I was teaching classes when he was a little guy), told us about wrestling practice that day. Apparently the young men were trying to effect some kind of flippy headstand kind of move and no one could do it. Until Mat. He said he got himself in position - not having every done it before - and quietly said "om namah shivayah" and did it! Ha! Then some other guys could do it, too. The power of Opening to Grace. His coaches were heard to be mumbling something like, "What's he doing? Is he singing? What is that?"

Holy asana, Batman. Gotta love that.

Day Fifteen

A short day made long by errands. Woke up in a grouchy mood, which fueled a bunch of stuff getting done. Better than sparring with those I love.

Its been so cold lately that it's sinking into my bones. Achy. Plus, I've not been out walking in many days. Grrr... The good thing about committing to a regular practice is that it becomes more a matter of "how" rather than "whether". So on this stark day I put my favorite super fluffy blanket on the floor and did some simple stretching and breathing before sitting for chant and meditation. Soft and sweet.

Day Fourteen

A smooth day. Practiced asana in morning (preparing for class) and evening (with the student that came), with meditation after each. Nothing amazing in a deep way, yet the smoothness of the day was notable. Even at school. Noticing for the first time (at least that I recall) how the light change during this winter solstice time is not a "shortening" of the day - it's just a different quality of light/dark. Hard to explain.

Have finished reading Paul Muller Ortega's translation of the Paratrisikalaghuvrttik. There's something compelling about original works, as obscure as much of it seems to me. Like there's energy behind it that comes through underneath my day to day rational mind. I'd like to "think" so anyway ;)

Still wanting to write that 12 year story. Looking for an opening when I have time and am inspired. So many lots and lots of little things to do....

Day Thirteen

Awoke this morning from a dream that I was regaining my memory after being "gone" for a year and a half. Intriguing. Post dream revelry was interrupted by the discovery that it had snowed last night - rare event in Danville! So, Joe, Sukha and I went for a pre-dawn walk that lasted through sunrise. (Mat declined. Cold. Dark. Can't imagine why....) Beautiful!



Anyhow, I got back to writing about the dream, and doing a reading as well - tarot and runes. Incorporated chant and meditation as well. (Now we're gettin' witchy ;) Story telling and noticing timing really are gateways to broader perspective, I think. Still ruminating, but think it has to do with finding the key - the "way through" Self preservation came up. Could be about too much self- sacrifice getting in the way.



It's really time to tell the story of the past 12 years - the last time Jupiter crossed my Ascendant.

And dream some more?

Day Twelve

Things have been quiet. I feel quiet. Clear, too. Nice. Is it the practice?

Day Eleven

Don't you cry, little butterfly. When the moon in her fullness lies she will birth all our dreams. ~ Tina Malia

Saturday morning. It's before dawn and the waning moon is still up, illuminating the edges of scattered clouds resting on the hills to the west while Mars sparkles in the clear.

I was told this practice is strong and it is. Like this morning's sky I sense the soft clouds of concealment, and also have a sense of vision so clear it's almost painful, like skin scrubbed with strong soap.

Concealment and revelation - along with creation, maintenance and destruction - are the five acts of Siva. I'm appreciating the softness of those clouds right now - the Grace in the play of Life.

Who in their right mind would step up to the truth of who we Are? Breathtaking!

The past many days have been full. I've managed to practice every day, taking notes (and just now fleshing them out). Hit late Friday afternoon, like a kid who'd been tumbling down a long hill - exhilerated and a bit dizzy. Talking with a friend after work, I tried to express a sliver of the shift I'm experiencing, and that still seemed like too much.

I'm not complaining. It's actually amusing, when I'm not worried about my sanity. It's pretty cool to experience this new way to align with the Divine. Just need to learn how to flow with it. Looking forward to catching my breath this weekend.

Evening update: Good deep asana practice this morning, and mediation this afternoon, with a nap and restful walk in the woods in between. Perfect.

Day Ten

Chanted and sat in the morning before work. Had a chance to get everything in order first so I could focus. During the fire chant I had, for the first time, a sense of my body itself being refined. And this continued in meditation. Strong. Interesting. And don't want to get caught up on it.

The point of this practice is to cultivate a relationship with the infinite ocean of Source, and to express my own individual "life wave" from there.

So, yeah, there's a few adjustments.

Day Nine

When despair for the world grows in me and I wake in the night at the least sound in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be, I go and lie down where the wood drake rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds. I come into the peace of wild things who do not tax their lives with forethought of grief. I come into the presence of still water. And I feel above me the day-blind stars waiting with their light. For a time I rest in the grace of the world, and am free. - Wendell Berry

Another day of simple practice. This time sitting while students were in savasana during Thursday night class. Nothing remarkable. And that in itself is remarkable :)

Day Eight

He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot

Had a longer and more difficult than expected day at work. But not for my commitment to practice every day, it probably wouldn't have happened. (Indeed, I'm actually writing about this several days later.) But, after getting dinner stated, and while it simmered, I sat for a few minutes. The cool thing was to experience the immediate sense of the quality of energy in my body. Like running into a wall.... I quietly sang the chants thinking, "this is the best I can do."

Really glad I took the time so I could let that go and just reside in a more still place for even a small bit. My Dad quietly popped into my awareness - not sure I would have noticed otherwise.
I called him while finishing dinner. He's recovering from knee surgery and he and my bonus mom hadn't had a very good day. I think my call cheered them up.

This is a householder practice. No need to renounce "regular" life. That's a good thing, because I have lots of that to attend to. This practice - even just a dab, like tonight - supported me.

Yay.

Day Seven

"When the forms of an old culture are dying,the new culture is created by a few people who are not afraid to be insecure." ~ Rudolf Bahro

Papa don't preach, I'm in trouble... ~ Madonna

The day was mostly about being ready for yoga class. This one special to me because it was part of the gathering up of DYC community before Lauren returns East. For me being ready is aligning with the Divine - or at least showing up for that, and creating a sequence, of posture, music, breath, meditation. A theme of circles emerged - community, full moon and all. Got it done in the a.m. Tried the sequence, and was a good practice for me - even felt some tears. Bringing it out of the little spot next to my bed where I practice at home and into the studio nearly takes my breath away (good thing I'm a yogini ;) I don't assume it will "work" for others, and it's what I have to offer. Wonder if it's like this for an any artist when they show their work - that part of the process of art, the art itself is in how it's received? I think this work I'm doing only comes fully into form with cooperation.

Ah, yes, playing well with others....

Meanwhile, at school things went more smoothly than they have for awhile - kids seemed calmer. Or was is me? . Go figure. And more about circles. On Monday, a student told me that he and some others tried a talking circle - during a fire drill- and they got shussed. Talked with the teacher to get his perspective - "yeah, now that you mention it they were sitting in a circle...." Time and place for everything. I'm encouraged to think they wanted to give it a go. Will be giving it a try with teachers at school this week, and next week in with a group of teachers, parents and students. So more to come. This thing has been three steps forward and 2 1/2 back all the way for nearly four years now. I'd like to really reach into these next steps - Hanuman leaps!

Yet, I'm feeling uncomfortable - the voices of "mind your own business" are in a frenzied chorus of "You are too ____________! You are at risk!" And I wonder about it - what are they so worried about? Am I assisting the birth of a change here? Or is this zealotry? Is this the insecurity that Rudolf Bahro describes?

It seems surprisingly risky to show up for meaning, interdependence, and shared power in the context of the current paradigm. Maybe I'm doing it wrong :) Worried I'm being received as preachy. Are my motives pure?

My daughter and I were just talking about focusing on what we want, and how sacrifice can be (always is?) a part of that. Sacrifice that feeds you - like the Yule Goat. What, if any, sacrifice is necessary for living in a world of meaning, interdependence, and shared power?

Mmmm. There's some clarity for what to bring to practice on Day Eight.

Day Six

Where all the splendors are in the light
And all the darknessess in the dark
brilliant light and gloomy darkness!
I praise that transcendent light.
~ The Short Gloss on the Supreme Queen of the Three, Paratrisikalaghuvrttik


Ahhhhh. Got some time to myself at home so I could chant with impunity. Then sat. First time it felt that good. Seems like the swaying, moving thing is energy moving - hopefully knots being untied. I'd like to think. Geez, I even came home to do this instead of having beer with a friend. NOT a renunciation thing - just practical.

Have been considering more about the Yule Goat (Julbock). The way I understand it is, in long ago times, in far northern places, those long dark winters were hard. You had to make it on what you had in store, and you had to consider what food there was for livestock. So at some point, it makes more sense to let go of the livestock so there's enough food for you. The sacrificial goats no longer need to be fed, and indeed become food themselves.

What this means to me is this: Everything that takes a form can transform ("change" form). The Yule Goat is in a form that takes more energy to maintain than is sustainable at that time. So it dies and is ingested - its energy made available to sustain Life. You let it go in service of Life. Ironic, no? I think that's why the mirthful tradition of burning the Yule Goat decoration lives on. (Check out the Gävle goat - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gävle_goat) I think most people know it has to burn - yet they feign disappointment. But in the old stories, the Yule Goat always comes back to life - all is not lost! Imagine a world where nothing is ever transformed like this - no death. It would be insupportable! We all know that the Wheel turns.... Indeed, "Yule" or "Jul" means wheel.

So, what needs to go? Not because it's undeserving, but simply because there's a time for everything. And trying to feed something that is out of synch is unsustainable.

What are the Yule Goats of Now?

Day Five

Third day of three hour practice with Lauren. Asana, then pranayama (ujjayi, viloma breathing), then meditation. Peaceful. I wondered about the swaying thing since I was sitting with others during meditation. Was fine. Who knew the things I would be thinking about in this life?

Day Four

"Just" meditation yesterday. And today, after nearly three hours of asana practice with Lauren. Simple. Seems not necessary to chant every day. Rather like I need a little time to process all the things that are swirling up for consideration.

Perspective shift.

Working on writing the "story" of my life through the four (12 year) Jupiter cycles I've lived so far. This last is coming to an end, another to begin in Spring. Certain themes weave through these spiraling cycles. Uncovering those, gently, like an archaeological dig. Fascinating. Another invitation to conscious practice - what to cultivate in the next round? It's like perusing seed catalogues in winter. What has worked? What hasn't? What is essential? What would be fun to try? Garden visions are so malleable! And internal. Crucial to "what's next" for me is remembering that manifesting the garden itself is an exercise in interdependency. How to cooperate while maintaining sovereignty?

There's a key aspect of my quest for the next cycle of learning that I'm yearning for.

Day Three

Noting that I have less to say this time. So far anyway ;)

Surprised to notice that I'm beginning where I left off last time. Presence. Shamanic power. Spruce tips beer :)

Now it seems I have more questions than anything else: I love connecting more deeply with Life. Is that a worthwhile pursuit? How do you measure its worth? Is this chant and mediation practice that I'm doing a meaningful, efficacious, and safe practice?

I'm noticing signs of what I now think is kundalini shakti moving when I sit - just a gentle rocking and swaying. It's happened before. Wasn't too worried about it until this morning when I read Georg Feurstein relate the story of Gopi Krishna - who had a spontaneous kundalini awakening when he wasn't ready yet. Apparently if the energy moves through the ida or pingala instead of shushuma nadi you get all kinds of crazies and illness..."immense havoc in the body and mind." Tantra, The Path of Ecstasy - Georg Feurstein. "A timeless warning to all neophytes dabbling with the serpent power, or shakti." Id.

Great.

So is this practice I'm doing enough? Can anything useful be done without close supervision of a teacher? Or too much? Should I be under close supervision of a teacher? My old New Agey mix and match, "take what I like and leave the rest" strategy that I've relied on for sooooo long is slipping under my feet.

Worried about zealotry and insanity. Or both.

Grrrrr... I guess it's time to throw those worries on the fire. Plus unnecessary resistance to trust myself and others. And self doubt. Refine these to healthy discernment.

Yeah. Let's see how that goes....

Day Two

Thanksgiving. A Day rife with the possibility of flailing in the choppy surface waters of all that happens in a day. If not for the decision to practice every day, it might not have happened. Yet, between setting the table and assembling casseroles, my darling Emily and I cleared a little space, went upstairs, sat down together, chanting and diving deeper into those more still waters.

Ahhhhh.

Day One

OK. The practice happened. Took most of the day to get there. I did the first chant with my guitar, singing it with the traditional melody. Then spontaneously tapped out a rhythm on the guitar body and sang the second chant. Then meditation. Felt very grounded and still at the end.

Lots and lots of thoughts and associations the past few days. Yet, not wanting to overdo - get too dramatic as it were.

The Yule Goat seems to me to be about refinement - there's sacrifice, yet the goat comes back alive. Renewed.

So not getting all caught up in the excitement. At least tonight.