Day Six

Where all the splendors are in the light
And all the darknessess in the dark
brilliant light and gloomy darkness!
I praise that transcendent light.
~ The Short Gloss on the Supreme Queen of the Three, Paratrisikalaghuvrttik


Ahhhhh. Got some time to myself at home so I could chant with impunity. Then sat. First time it felt that good. Seems like the swaying, moving thing is energy moving - hopefully knots being untied. I'd like to think. Geez, I even came home to do this instead of having beer with a friend. NOT a renunciation thing - just practical.

Have been considering more about the Yule Goat (Julbock). The way I understand it is, in long ago times, in far northern places, those long dark winters were hard. You had to make it on what you had in store, and you had to consider what food there was for livestock. So at some point, it makes more sense to let go of the livestock so there's enough food for you. The sacrificial goats no longer need to be fed, and indeed become food themselves.

What this means to me is this: Everything that takes a form can transform ("change" form). The Yule Goat is in a form that takes more energy to maintain than is sustainable at that time. So it dies and is ingested - its energy made available to sustain Life. You let it go in service of Life. Ironic, no? I think that's why the mirthful tradition of burning the Yule Goat decoration lives on. (Check out the Gävle goat - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gävle_goat) I think most people know it has to burn - yet they feign disappointment. But in the old stories, the Yule Goat always comes back to life - all is not lost! Imagine a world where nothing is ever transformed like this - no death. It would be insupportable! We all know that the Wheel turns.... Indeed, "Yule" or "Jul" means wheel.

So, what needs to go? Not because it's undeserving, but simply because there's a time for everything. And trying to feed something that is out of synch is unsustainable.

What are the Yule Goats of Now?

Day Five

Third day of three hour practice with Lauren. Asana, then pranayama (ujjayi, viloma breathing), then meditation. Peaceful. I wondered about the swaying thing since I was sitting with others during meditation. Was fine. Who knew the things I would be thinking about in this life?

Day Four

"Just" meditation yesterday. And today, after nearly three hours of asana practice with Lauren. Simple. Seems not necessary to chant every day. Rather like I need a little time to process all the things that are swirling up for consideration.

Perspective shift.

Working on writing the "story" of my life through the four (12 year) Jupiter cycles I've lived so far. This last is coming to an end, another to begin in Spring. Certain themes weave through these spiraling cycles. Uncovering those, gently, like an archaeological dig. Fascinating. Another invitation to conscious practice - what to cultivate in the next round? It's like perusing seed catalogues in winter. What has worked? What hasn't? What is essential? What would be fun to try? Garden visions are so malleable! And internal. Crucial to "what's next" for me is remembering that manifesting the garden itself is an exercise in interdependency. How to cooperate while maintaining sovereignty?

There's a key aspect of my quest for the next cycle of learning that I'm yearning for.

Day Three

Noting that I have less to say this time. So far anyway ;)

Surprised to notice that I'm beginning where I left off last time. Presence. Shamanic power. Spruce tips beer :)

Now it seems I have more questions than anything else: I love connecting more deeply with Life. Is that a worthwhile pursuit? How do you measure its worth? Is this chant and mediation practice that I'm doing a meaningful, efficacious, and safe practice?

I'm noticing signs of what I now think is kundalini shakti moving when I sit - just a gentle rocking and swaying. It's happened before. Wasn't too worried about it until this morning when I read Georg Feurstein relate the story of Gopi Krishna - who had a spontaneous kundalini awakening when he wasn't ready yet. Apparently if the energy moves through the ida or pingala instead of shushuma nadi you get all kinds of crazies and illness..."immense havoc in the body and mind." Tantra, The Path of Ecstasy - Georg Feurstein. "A timeless warning to all neophytes dabbling with the serpent power, or shakti." Id.

Great.

So is this practice I'm doing enough? Can anything useful be done without close supervision of a teacher? Or too much? Should I be under close supervision of a teacher? My old New Agey mix and match, "take what I like and leave the rest" strategy that I've relied on for sooooo long is slipping under my feet.

Worried about zealotry and insanity. Or both.

Grrrrr... I guess it's time to throw those worries on the fire. Plus unnecessary resistance to trust myself and others. And self doubt. Refine these to healthy discernment.

Yeah. Let's see how that goes....

Day Two

Thanksgiving. A Day rife with the possibility of flailing in the choppy surface waters of all that happens in a day. If not for the decision to practice every day, it might not have happened. Yet, between setting the table and assembling casseroles, my darling Emily and I cleared a little space, went upstairs, sat down together, chanting and diving deeper into those more still waters.

Ahhhhh.

Day One

OK. The practice happened. Took most of the day to get there. I did the first chant with my guitar, singing it with the traditional melody. Then spontaneously tapped out a rhythm on the guitar body and sang the second chant. Then meditation. Felt very grounded and still at the end.

Lots and lots of thoughts and associations the past few days. Yet, not wanting to overdo - get too dramatic as it were.

The Yule Goat seems to me to be about refinement - there's sacrifice, yet the goat comes back alive. Renewed.

So not getting all caught up in the excitement. At least tonight.